Skyrim LOL
by TheMoonclaw
Summary: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. A collection of humorous scenes in the adventures of the Dragonborn. More information inside.
1. The Dragonborn Comes

**Hey Elederscrolls fandom! Beware, The Moonclaw is here with another one of her humor fics. If you've been following my stuff, you know the drill.**

**If not, then the explanation is simple; my brother and I play video games and we tend to make up jokes while playing. This leads me to write them down into these little collections I call "LOL's". This is meant to be a funny take on scenes throughout games, so please don't take offense. **

**We're really obsessed with Skyrim right now and I've been meaning to get some of these shorts up.**

**There isn't any order to these, and expect spoilers.**

**I hope you enjoy!**

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><p>"Our hero, our hero, claims a warrior's heart,"<p>

The Dark Elf bard at this tavern had a descent voice, unlike so many of the bards around the world and the Dragonborn sighed in relief. Coming into these places bad enough when every person and their _dog_ wanted to give you a quest; it was worse when the stupid signer couldn't hold a tune.

"I tell you, I tell you, the Dragonborn comes,"

He perked up and quickly looked around for said bard, needing to find her right away.

"With a voice wielding power, of the ancient Nord art,"

The Dragonborn ran up to her, eyes wide and a smile on his face.

"Believe, believe, the Dragonborn comes,"

He pointed at himself, "That's me!"

***Ego level up, level 45***

This was definitely his favorite place so far in the world.

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><p><strong>My brother made the bard in Windhelm sing "The Dragonborn Comes" so he could hear it, and while she was singing I ran up to the TV and put my hand across the top, saying "Ego level up"<strong>

**And this chapter was born...**


	2. Wait, I know you

"Wait," the guard said, pausing to stare. "I know you."

The Dragonborn ran by him at full speed, shouting; "No you don't!"

He ducked around a house and sighed, waiting impatiently for Lydia to catch up. She gave him a look.

"You've been dodging the guards for weeks now," she complained.

The Dragonborn scowled at her, "So, I accidently stole a wooden plate when I thought I could just take it!"

Lydia sighed, "So pay your bounty!"

He glared at her, "I am not paying,"

"It's two septims."

"So?"

She rolled her eyes and the Dragonborn frowned, "Stop rolling your eyes at me," He pulled out a Whiterun guard's helmet and shoved it into her hands. "Wear this,"

Lydia heaved a sigh, "Fine."

She secured it on her head and he grinned, "Great! I can't see your ugly face anymore, perfect."

"I suppose this isn't stolen?" Lydia commented sarcastically.

The Dragonborn shrugged, "There's a reason I don't want to pay my bounty…"

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><p>"Wait, I know you."<p>

The Dragonborn tried to run by the guard, but an annoying townsperson had chosen that moment to stand in his way.

"No, no you don't," he said hastily.

The guard put his hands on his hips, "There's no mistake. I think you're that thief that's been taking baskets and plates around town."

The Dragonborn feigned surprise and gestured to himself, "Me? No, I would never!"

"It's time to pay up," the guard said sternly.

"Look, if I was that thief, would I keep coming back to Whiterun? That seems really stupid."

The guard appeared to think about this and then nodded slowly, "I suppose your right. Only an idiot would do that. Stay out of trouble kinsman."

He walked off and the Dragonborn made sure he was out of sight before wheeling around to Lydia.

"We should leave town for a while."

She scoffed.

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><p><strong>My brother had a bounty in Whiterun forever. It was something like 25 dollars. Whenever the guards would say, "Wait, I know you." he'd just run by them. It become a joke to see how long he could keep it going. Finally he just bought them off with his status of Thane because he got sick of it.<strong>

**Also, when we still traveled with Lydia before swapping her out, we always dressed her in the weirdest things...full guard attire, a black mage robe with a Dragon priest mask (A sith lord look,) and the Forsworn headdress with pretty much anything else.**

**We were mean.**


	3. For ailments both common and rare

**Another installment! I'm uploading two again, though usually it will be one at a time, with no set time for updating; just whenever I get to them.**

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><p>The Dragonborn couldn't wait to finish furnishing Breezehome so that he would have his own Alchemy laboratory. As it stood now, he still had to pay Arcadia's shop a visit to use hers.<p>

But she never shut up while he was trying to work.

The Dragonborn entered and braced himself for the inevitable onslaught of useless information and shameless shilling for her wares.

Arcadia greeted him with something new; "I'm glad we're friends. Here, have this."

She handed him an iron mace.

The Dragonborn stared at it, bewildered.

"Um." he said, blinking. "Thanks?"

Arcadia wandered back to her counter, "Browse to your heart's content."

The Dragonborn stared another moment at the iron mace and then shrugged, deciding not to worry about why she thought they were friends or why she was randomly giving him weapons.

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><p><strong>This totally happened to my brother. He walks in and Arcadia walks up and hands him an iron mace randomly. The most confusing part was...why an iron mace?<strong>


	4. An honorary title mostly

The city of Solitude was lovely.

The people were just as annoying as everywhere else in Skyrim, but the Dragonborn wasn't bothered by it. They all needed him, after all. Even if they didn't know it yet.

"And you are?" he asked one of the other court members in the Blue Palace. He was trying to figure out who everyone was and why he should care.

The last member was a man sitting in the throne room munching on bread, which the Dragonborn thought was odd behavior, considering.

"I'm Erikur. I'm a Thane. In the future, you may want to gain that information before talking with someone. Risk of looking like an idiot, and all that."

The Dragonborn had already run into Erikur's sister in the town and she'd had been delightfully sarcastic. And apparently spot on with her assessment of her brother.

"The court can't do without me," the man bragged.

The Dragonborn glanced at the other Thane, who rolled her eyes, then to Falk who shrugged helplessly, and then back to Erikur.

"…You're eating a piece of bread," he pointed out dryly.

Erikur nodded, "Indeed. Obviously you understand how important I must be."

"Sure, whatever." The Dragonborn replied, deciding to be nice for the time being and end the conversation.

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><p><strong>Again, this happened. Erikur says; "The court can't do without me," while he's eating bread and brother and I just start cracking up. Right, whatever you say...<strong>


	5. Use Nature's gifts wisely

The Dragonborn sliced through the nearest root of the Eldergleam tree and watched in fascination as the root curled backwards, providing them a pathway.

Behind him, he heard his unwanted companion gasp in horror. The Dragonborn sighed, rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder, "What now?"

Maurice looked shocked; "I had no idea you were a man of violence!"

The Dragonborn made a face and glanced down at his heavy armor and sword strapped to his side. "Really, you hadn't any ideas?"

The man was already continuing as if he hadn't spoken; "Yes, I can't believe it! I had no idea your plans were to do this when I was standing right next to you eavesdropping as you spoke to Danica Pure-Spring. The horror!"

The Dragonborn sighed, "Look, I didn't want to you to come, you invited yourself. You are welcome to leave at any time and let me hack and slash my way through the magic tree to get the magic sap…or…whatever…"

Maurice stomped a foot, "You would violate this marvel of Kynareth's glory?"

"To complete a quest, yes," the Dragonborn said. "Do you have a better idea?"

He knew the moment he said it he was going to regret the comment. The mouthy worshipper would undoubtedly have some idea.

But maybe this way he could keep the Nettlebane for his collection…

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Maurice did that thing that NPCs sometimes do where they walk and nudge someone during a conversation. He barged right into the conversation between Danica and my brother and was standing right there when they went over the plan for the Eldergleam. It made his comments completely stupid sounding later... <strong>

**PS: "Danica Pure-Spring" sounds like a stripper name...just saying...**


	6. There's a house available right now!

Snow was falling again over the plains outside the city, and every foot fall made a crunching noise.

"So," the Dragonborn said out of the blue. "The recent murders in Windhelm got me thinking…"

Lydia stared at his expectantly, waiting to hear if he had come up with an explanation or perhaps a suspect.

"There's probably some vacant houses to buy!"

She groaned and rolled her eyes.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: I literally did this to my brother.<strong>

**Me: "So, I was thinking about the murders in Windhelm..."**

**Brother: "Yeah?"**

**Me: "There's probably some vacant houses you can buy!"**

**Brother: "...Seriously?"**

**And, I happened to be correct...**


	7. Fancy yourself an Alchemist, eh?

Jordis could not believe the sheer amount of _stuff_ she had been carrying around for the Dragonborn. She's long since given up trying to figure out why he had hundreds of linen wraps, or so many copies of the _Explorer's Guide to Skyrim_.

He did, and he was her Thane and she thought he was kind of cute anyway.

Though she was a little concerned with the hording behavior…

Having put the last of the daggers away in the end table specifically for daggers, she decided she should find said Dragonborn and Thane of eight out of nine holds. He had said he was going to work on Alchemy…

She opened the door and stopped, gasping at what she saw.

The Dragonborn was sprawled out on the floor in front of the Alchemy table, alternating between choking and gasping.

"Divines! What is wrong?"

He held up an empty bottle covered in Dwemer writing, wheezing out; "I…ate it…to learn it's properties,"

Jordis just blinked at his explanation and he winced, "Turns out, it's…poison,"

The Dragonborn flopped back onto the floor and she hurried over, not even sure what to do in this instance.

He chuckled weakly, "But hey, look! I…raised my…Alchemy…skill slightly!"

Jordis slapped a hand to her forehead.

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><p><strong>I believe I have mentioned these wouldn't be in any semblance of order?<strong>

**Yes, my brother upgraded to Jordis as a follower as soon as we could.**

**I happen to love how you can "raise the skill slightly"...really?**

**And, my brother accidently ate dwemer oil and it DID poison him. Ha...**


	8. Instead their gods of reason and logic

"Jordis," the Dragonborn whispered, shaking his wife awake.

She sighed, "What?"

"I know what happened to the Dwemer!" he whispered excitedly and loudly.

Jordis didn't bother even opening her eyes. "That's nice honey."

"No, I'm serious!"

"Alright, what happened to the Dwemer?" she asked.

The Dragonborn took a deep breath, "They left to become Santa's elves!"

There was a pause.

Jordis reached over and pat his arm, eyes still closed. "Of course."

He frowned, not sure if she was taking him seriously or not. Still whispering, he continued; "I'm going to tell Arniel."

Jordis shook her head, "You can't. He made himself vanish, remember?"

"Oh….right." the Dragonborn whispered disappointedly. "Well…I'm going to tell Calcelmo,"

Jordis disagreed again; "No, you're not. He's a High Elf. They make you angry."

"Oh…right." The Dragonborn conceded. "They do…"

There was another pause.

Jordis rolled back over, "I'm going back to bed."

He sighed and whispered loudly, "Fine, but I know I'm right!"

All was quiet for a moment and just as they started to drift back to sleep, something snapped them both awake.

"There once was a hero named Ragnar the Red, who came riding to Whiterun from ole Rorikstead!"

"I hate that damn bard…" the Dragonborn said, glaring at the doorway.

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><p><strong>Merry Christmas!<strong>


	9. What you learn here will last you a life

**Been a few days since I updated; I've been working on other projects.**

**Someone I know just started playing Skyrim, and she wanted to be a mage, so went and did the College of Winterhold questline first. I decided to write a "college" based chapter tonight!**

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><p>The Dragonborn had been expecting more when he ventured out to finally visit the college of Winterhold, but then again, he'd been unimpressed with the bard's college in Solitude, as well.<p>

Maybe he just wasn't a 'college' guy…

The Altmer woman who had stopped him on the bridge was now leading him onward to meet with the rest of the staff and students and hopefully get out of the slight blizzard that had cropped up.

As they moved along the bridge, Faralda glanced over her shoulder, "By the way, what is your name?"

"Um…" the Dragonborn paused, not sure what to tell her. What was a name he hadn't used yet? "…Harry, the…Potter."

She nodded, apparently believing his word was true.

They stepped along a thin stretch of the bridge where the majority of it had crumbled into the water below.

"Um…" "Harry the Potter" said, pointing at the bridge. "You might want to get that fixed,"

"Tuition is free!" Faralda informed him happily.

He blinked, "Ah, I see…"

"Now come, Harry the Potter, Mirabelle will show you around the campus,"

The Dragonborn suppressed a groan. The only reason he came here was to learn to blow things up. Hopefully that would be his first lesson, or he was out of here.

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><p><strong>I'll have an on-going joke that the Dragonborn gives out fake names in every hold. Mostly because I couldn't decide what to call him in this set of stories...<strong>

**That bridge makes me laugh...the only reason they haven't fixed it must be because tuition is free, right? (They HAVE magic...geez...)**

**Also, my brother groaned when Mirabelle was making him take the tour and said; "I skipped this when I went to real college, why can't I skip it at this virtual college!?"**


	10. Skyrim belongs to the Nords!

Clearing bandit hideouts were easier if done stealthily, using a bow to carefully pick off each bandit until none remained.

But Lydia was about as subtle as a mammoth, and was worthless when it came to sneaking.

She had rushed into the hideout screaming that 'Skyrim belongs to the Nords' despite the fact that they were probably all Nords inside.

The Dragonborn sighed as he fought another bandit, taking a few hits that he wouldn't have had too if they had done this his way.

Just as the bandit went down, the Deagonborn felt a shock as if he'd just been hit by a thunder spell. But that should have been the last bandit…

Another hit and he winced, hearing Lydia mutter something behind him. Suddenly it all made since.

He turned, "Ow! Lydia!"

She just stared at him, still in a battle stance, a staff clutched in both hands.

He strode up to her and grabbed both out of her hands, "No,"

"But-"

"No!" he snapped, glaring at her. "Where did you even get staves? If you're going to be dual wielding them and hitting me, you're not allowed to keep them."

She scowled at him, "You gave them to me to carry!"

"I didn't think you'd use them!" he retorted. "You're a warrior. You're supposed to swing your sword left and right and run around like a crazy person, not waste the enchantments on these staves and miss your targets on top of it."

Lydia crossed her arms, looking put out, but the Dragonborn was just distracted.

"Great, now I'm overburdened!" he complained, storing the staves away. "Well, we're walking back, I hope you're happy Lydia,"

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

**"Skyrim belongs to the Nords!" Thanks Lydia for the update...**

**We learned the hard way not to allow followers to take the staves...they use them, and that's not a good thing. Once Lydia used an Ice staff on an Ice Wraith...yup. **

**I can't remember if I've mentioned before in my A/N that I have started my own game on Skyrim...so much fun...but so addictive... **


	11. Load Screen

*Insert fog effect here*

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><p><strong>"Combat based magic only improves when you shoot it at other people."<strong>

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><p><strong>"A successful Power Attack is awesome."<strong>

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><p><strong>"While sneaking, if the eye is partial open, you're not doing it right."<strong>

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><p>It's a load screen. It's part of the game, right? So why not my fic, too?<p>

These are "Dragonborn" tips which is basically me being a smart-ass during load screens while my brother is playing. I'll be posting these in between chapters occasionally; probably after every ten chapters.

And hey, 10 chapters already! I'll be working on more soon. Thanks for reading and for the faves and follows. Glad to be making some people laugh and it's always fun to talk Skyrim.

Until next time!


	12. UndeadI don't think it needs to be said

**This chapter was written by my brother! Every so often he decides to write an LOL chapter for one of my collections so I upload it for him.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>"Hello, you may remember me as the Dovakiih AKA the Dragonborn, and today I am here to talk to you about an issue that is near and dear to my heart . . . . Necromancy."<p>

"I know that we have all lost love ones to the dangers of Skyrim . . . . by varied and dreadful means including, but not limited to: Skeever Attack, Bear Attack, Spike Traps, Frostbite Spider Venom, Skooma Addiction, Blood Loss due to Vampire Feeding, Falling off Mountains, Exploring Dwemer Ruins, Poison Dart Traps, Drowning, Schools of Slaughterfish Swarms, Falmer Attack, Bandit Raid, Dragon Attack, Thalmor Interrogation, and the most deadly of things in Skyrim: Arrows to the Knee, and saying goodbye can be a very difficult thing for some people."

"Those of us with magical talents may feel like there should be a magical way to bring our fallen loved ones back to life, but the results of such magic can be quite deadly and never turn out the way you would expect."

"In my vast travels across the land of Skyrim I have come across dozens of failed attempts at necromancy. From the Necromancers who attempted to resurrect the Wolf Queen who were expecting their power to be adequate to control her only to pay for their arrogance with their lives, to the pervert who was making ghost sex slaves on an island in the north, to the butthole mage who keeps showing up in clear view of my Falkreeth's home balcony who gets an arrow to the head for messing up my view of the lake, necromancy almost always leads to certain death."

"So before you start worshiping Daedra, carrying around human hearts, and raising random skeletons to do your bidding think about the consequences. Don't do necromancy, you'll be glad you didn't"

Fus Ro Dah  
>The More You Know<p>

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><p><strong>I hope everyone has seen those "the more you know" commercials...<strong>

**Also, apologies for not replying to reviews; I haven't been on the web much lately. I'm hoping to have some more chapters ready to post later this week.**

**I've also been playing my own Skyrim game a lot...who knows...a few of these chapters might feature my character at some point...**

**Thanks for reading!**


	13. Behold the future! Behold the Thalmor

**So, wouldn't let me log in for the last couple of days. Annoying.**

**BUT, that means there's 2 chapters of Skyrim LOL!**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>The Dragonborn took the glass jar from Jordis's hands carefully, eyeing the bee inside to make sure it was still alive.<p>

Jordis was frowning. "Remind me again why we're haunting down these bugs in a jar?"

He sighed, slightly annoyed she wasn't tracking the importance of their latest mission.

"Because," he explained, walking over to the shelf with the other two jars; a butterfly and a lightbug. "These bugs in a jar are part of a larger, sinister and devastating plot to destroy the world."

"Ah, yes, the 'bugpocalypse' you mentioned a few days ago," she replied.

The Dragonborn nodded, "Exactly."

He tried to tilt the jar into an open slot on the bookcase, but it was harder then it looked.

"…How are these bringing about the end of the world anyway?" Jordis asked, not offering to help him in any way.

He struggled with the jar some more, "Well, something about the runes on the lids and summoning or time travel or destroying an entire race involving towers or…something. And the Thalmor."

"The Thalmor?" Jordis sighed, crossing her arms. "Why is it always the Thalmor?"

"Because _it is_ always the Thalmor!" he declared, stepping back to observe his handy work. "Stupid High Elves…"

The jar fell off the shelf and clattered to the floor.

The Dragonborn sighed. "Damn it..."

"And we are collecting these apparently dangerous artifacts because….?" She promoted.

He picked up the jar and fussed with it against the shelf some more, cheerfully answering; "Because, where is safer to keep them in one of my museums?"

"The museums you have unlocked and open to the public," Jordis commented.

The Dragonborn frowned over his shoulder, "Stop raining on my parade with your logic and stuff…"

The jar finally slid into the spot and stayed even after her removed his hands.

"Aha!" he exclaimed, proudly staring at his handiwork. He wasn't sure how the bugs stayed alive, though…

"So, where's the next one?" Jordis asked.

He shrugged, "I don't know, I think the Orc's have one…but first, I have to check on the masks upstairs. They never stay in their display case…"

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><p><strong>Seriously, has everyone heard these theories about the bugs in a jar?<strong>

**My brother is collecting them...I will be too in my game. Their one of a kind items! We must have them!**

**And yes, because my brother has all the homes in Skyrim, and really only needs ONE as a HOUSE, he is turning the others into museums. So, that means there's stuff displayed and lots of bookshelves and weapons racks and the dragon priest masks in a display case...but they never stay put...**


	14. Now that's some fine armor

Windhelm was always creepy at night.

Or all the time, but especially at night.

The Dragonborn didn't understand why the merchants in the market left their goods out all night. Even if he wasn't a part of the Thieves Guild, or a generally ambiguous when it came to morals, he'd find it hard to resist taking something.

They had a guard watching, but still…

He crept around the market stalls in a sneaking position and stopped at the stand that held some armor and weapons. Everything was just lying around. Even if it wasn't in threat of being stolen, surely being out in the elements wasn't good for it either.

With a quick look at the guard, who was staring right at him but wasn't saying or doing anything, he reached out and took a shield.

The guard just stood there.

The Dragonborn grinned and stood, looking over his new shield. It wasn't that good, and he would probably never use it anyway, but now it was his.

As he walked out of the market, the guard glanced over. "Aye, now that's some fine armor. Good old fashioned steel!"

The Dragonborn just stared at him and then laughed. "Yes, it sure is…and it's all mine…"

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><p><strong>So, this actually happened. My brother stole a piece of armor right in a front of a guard, didn't get caught, and then the guard says; "Aye, now that's some fine armor!"<strong>

**Dude. Seriously?**


End file.
